I apologize for the choppiness of this post. It’s been hard to write much less edit.
Since I was admitted
on Sunday I had been having ultrasounds each shift to keep a check on
everyone. I was hooked to a contraction
monitor 24/7. I was NOT being examined
because they didn’t want to disturb my cervix and/or cause an infection.
It was Thursday. Day
4 of being on bedrest. I would have laid
there for 4 years if it meant saving my babies.
I was still super emotional (who wouldn’t be). Kristen had brought Ava up to visit. (I loved that everyone made sure Ava made it
to the hospital every day to see me. It
did us both good.) I was talking to
Kristen about some cramping that I was having but there was nothing showing up
on the monitor so we just chalked it up to the laxative :( they made me take
the day before. I mentioned it to the nurse
a couple of times. She would adjust the
monitor but still nothing ever really would pick up. By early afternoon the cramping was worse and
I again mentioned it to the nurse. She called my doctor. This is where my heart broke. My doctor came in to check me. I honestly don’t know how far I was
dialated. I just remember her asking the
nurse to get Kristen (she stepped out with the girls and praise God there were
some awesome nurses who stayed with the girls until other family members
arrived). My heart sank. Moments later
she was telling me that Hazel was in the birth canal and would be born
soon. After that it was all a blur. We got in touch with Matt. I remember Dr. G trying to comfort me. A family friend was on shift that day but
wasn’t my nurse. She came in and stayed
with me. (Sidenote: this same nurse was there for Hazel and Hew’s
birth and came to the hospital on her off day when Hollyn was born to be with
me.) We waited for Matt to arrive and
there was commotion going on as they prepped everything for her entirely too
early arrival. I was in a fog. One of the first words out of my mouth when
Dr. G said she would be born soon was would she make it. After I heard her answer I pretty much shut
down. I was shaking and crying and all I
could do was pray. For God to
intervene. For peace. For our family.
Hazel was born a year ago today.
I put my thumb intentionally next to her foot for sizing purposes. She was so tiny.
Some of the pictures that Kristen took.
Losing Hazel was one of the hardest days of our lives. I never could have made it through that day
(and to today) without Matt and God’s loving hands holding us up. We knew that God had a plan and that we had
to trust that plan. This was the hardest
thing ever. I had something so precious
and dear ripped from me. But I knew God
would see me through.
Hazel changed me. And God changed my heart through her. I strive to be a better Mommy because of
her. A better person because of
her. I've learned to praise God in the good times and the bad times. We aren’t promised tomorrow and I don’t
want to take anything for granted. I
praise God for the time I did have with her.
For allowing me to be the Mommy and Matt the Daddy of a little girl who
changed so many hearts and lives.
We had a beautiful Celebration of Life ceremony for her
after the holidays. Planning this
service was so hard for us. We wanted it
to be perfect. It was. Matt said a few words about her and her short
life. They were beautiful words and I
love him so much for speaking during such a difficult time. Our pastor spoke briefly and a very talented
lady from our church sang Steven Curtis Chapman’s With Hope. (This is where
the blog name comes from.) At the end every one sang Jesus Loves Me. It was a
beautiful service full of love.
Now, here I am a year later and I can talk about Hazel with
ease (and I love to talk about her, to share her story and the impact she had
on us). Some days are hard. Certain situations make my heart ache. Words hurt sometimes. But I know that Hazel is in Heaven. Healed and whole. My momma heart is eased knowing that she
didn’t know pain. Physical pain. Emotional pain. None of it.
I miss her every day but I know she is thriving in heaven with her
Maker. I wonder what she would be like
today. What her personality would be
like. What she would look like. I will see her again one day. Until then, I will forever talk of the day I
held an angel.
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
-excerpt from With Hope
Happy birthday sweet
girl! We love you to the moon and back!
Notice this story
doesn’t involve Hew and Hollyn. Dr. G
was giving them the best chance at survival and did everything in her power to
prevent their delivery. I was started on
magnesium sulfate and the waiting game started all over again…this time with a
piece of my heart missing.
