I’ve Held an Angel :: Hazel’s Birth Story

I apologize for the choppiness of this post.  It’s been hard to write much less edit.

Since I was admitted on Sunday I had been having ultrasounds each shift to keep a check on everyone.  I was hooked to a contraction monitor 24/7.  I was NOT being examined because they didn’t want to disturb my cervix and/or cause an infection.  

It was Thursday.  Day 4 of being on bedrest.  I would have laid there for 4 years if it meant saving my babies.  I was still super emotional (who wouldn’t be).   Kristen had brought Ava up to visit.  (I loved that everyone made sure Ava made it to the hospital every day to see me.  It did us both good.)  I was talking to Kristen about some cramping that I was having but there was nothing showing up on the monitor so we just chalked it up to the laxative :( they made me take the day before.  I mentioned it to the nurse a couple of times.  She would adjust the monitor but still nothing ever really would pick up.  By early afternoon the cramping was worse and I again mentioned it to the nurse. She called my doctor.  This is where my heart broke.  My doctor came in to check me.  I honestly don’t know how far I was dialated.  I just remember her asking the nurse to get Kristen (she stepped out with the girls and praise God there were some awesome nurses who stayed with the girls until other family members arrived). My heart sank.  Moments later she was telling me that Hazel was in the birth canal and would be born soon.  After that it was all a blur.  We got in touch with Matt.  I remember Dr. G trying to comfort me.  A family friend was on shift that day but wasn’t my nurse.  She came in and stayed with me.  (Sidenote:  this same nurse was there for Hazel and Hew’s birth and came to the hospital on her off day when Hollyn was born to be with me.)  We waited for Matt to arrive and there was commotion going on as they prepped everything for her entirely too early arrival.  I was in a fog.  One of the first words out of my mouth when Dr. G said she would be born soon was would she make it.  After I heard her answer I pretty much shut down.  I was shaking and crying and all I could do was pray.  For God to intervene.  For peace.  For our family.

Hazel was born a year ago today.  

 

I put my thumb intentionally next to her foot for sizing purposes.  She was so tiny.

 

After she was born, the NICU doctor examined her and confirmed that she was just too tiny to make it.  We had about 20 minutes with our sweet, precious second born daughter before God called her home. We held an angel that day.  She was perfect.  10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes.  I couldn’t get over how beautiful she was and how much like Ava she looked.  We spent some much needed time with her and then Matt went and got Ava from the waiting room.  Explaining to a 5 year old that Jesus was coming to get her sister was the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do.  She was in awe of her little sister.  She held her, hugged her, kissed her.  Seeing Ava love on her baby sister will forever be etched in my mind and on my heart.  Y’all, the faith of a 5 year old is amazing.  We were blessed to have so many of our family members there.   Once we spent some time together we invited everyone in.  They all got to love on our sweet girl.  The nurse came in and said that we could have as much time with her as we wanted but explained to us that whenever we were ready she would come back and take her.  THAT was the hardest thing we’ve ever done.  To decide when to give our daughter over to someone and know we would never see her again on this side of heaven.  We did our best to memorize everything about her.  Kristen was gracious enough to take pictures for us so that we could always have a physical reminder of her beauty.  I will forever be indebted to her for doing one of the hardest things she has had to do.

 Some of the pictures that Kristen took.

Losing Hazel was one of the hardest days of our lives.  I never could have made it through that day (and to today) without Matt and God’s loving hands holding us up.  We knew that God had a plan and that we had to trust that plan.  This was the hardest thing ever.  I had something so precious and dear ripped from me.  But I knew God would see me through.  

Hazel changed me. And God changed my heart through her.   I strive to be a better Mommy because of her.  A better person because of her.  I've learned to praise God in the good times and the bad times.  We aren’t promised tomorrow and I don’t want to take anything for granted.  I praise God for the time I did have with her.  For allowing me to be the Mommy and Matt the Daddy of a little girl who changed so many hearts and lives.  

We had a beautiful Celebration of Life ceremony for her after the holidays.  Planning this service was so hard for us.  We wanted it to be perfect.  It was.  Matt said a few words about her and her short life.  They were beautiful words and I love him so much for speaking during such a difficult time.  Our pastor spoke briefly and a very talented lady from our church sang Steven Curtis Chapman’s With Hope.  (This is where the blog name comes from.) At the end every one sang Jesus Loves Me.  It was a beautiful service full of love. 

 

Now, here I am a year later and I can talk about Hazel with ease (and I love to talk about her, to share her story and the impact she had on us).  Some days are hard.  Certain situations make my heart ache.  Words hurt sometimes.  But I know that Hazel is in Heaven.  Healed and whole.  My momma heart is eased knowing that she didn’t know pain.  Physical pain.  Emotional pain.  None of it.  I miss her every day but I know she is thriving in heaven with her Maker.   I wonder what she would be like today.  What her personality would be like.  What she would look like.  I will see her again one day.  Until then, I will forever talk of the day I held an angel.

 We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

-excerpt from With Hope

Happy birthday sweet girl!  We love you to the moon and back!

Notice this story doesn’t involve Hew and Hollyn.  Dr. G was giving them the best chance at survival and did everything in her power to prevent their delivery.  I was started on magnesium sulfate and the waiting game started all over again…this time with a piece of my heart missing. 

One Year Ago Today...

...our world was rocked.

We envisioned a relatively smooth pregnancy. Things were looking great with our three little bundles of joy. But our plan was not God's plan.

My water broke one year ago today. I was just shy of 22 weeks along. Words can't describe the way I felt that day. This is my best attempt.

We take a yearly vacation to Gatlinburg at thanksgiving. Last year was set to be a normal vacation for Matt and Ava. I knew I couldn't go because my OB wanted me to stay close by since I was carrying triplets. I was weepy all day thanksgiving.  I couldn't figure it out. At the last minute (literally) Matt stayed with me and we sent Ava on with his parents.  (I know now that God had his hand all over us that day...He knew I would need Matt with me.)  That was the last time I could hold and love on Ava for nearly 3 weeks. Once my water broke I was placed on strict bedrest. We didn't know what the coming days held but we did know that God already knew the outcome and that no matter what He would see us through. And He has.

I just knew everything would be fine from day one. When this happened, of course, I think I ran through every emotion possible. I was heartbroken. Scared. Angry. Unsure of what was to come. I cried {a lot}. I couldn't control it most of the time. And inexplicably I was filled with an unknown peace. I trusted God. I knew He was in control and I prayed with very breath that he would save my babies. That He would put His hand around us all and protect us.*

This is just the beginning of our journey. Our story, if you will. In the coming days I will be posting about the babies' birth stories. I haven't decided yet if my heart is ready to share pictures from those days. There was so much trauma and they were so tiny. Will you pray for me as I write those posts and for us as a family as we navigate these days celebrating 3 of our blessings?

*(Please don't read that as I wasn't concerned. We very much were. And I had tons of moments where I just wanted to scream "why me?" and "what did I do to deserve this?". I think it's a pretty normal emotion for that kind of circumstance. I know I was filled with peace.)

Thanksgiving 2012

I hope you all had a great thanksgiving! We sure did. We have so much to be thankful for. God has blessed us so much over the last year.

We ate 2 thanksgiving lunches before heading out on our annual voyage to Gatlinburg, TN. We had so much fun! The babies did so good. We are bound to make them good travelers. :)

Here are a few pictures from our weekend!

(They are iPhone pictures so please forgive me.)

The Norm

We have had such an uneventful few days. We had out of town company on Sunday and Monday (Hi Brenda & Jummy!). And pretty much every other day has been full of the norm. Diaper changes, bottles and food, school lessons, nasal irrigation (yes we still have the snots), etc, etc. Rinse and repeat. RSV season causes us to stay in a lot and I get cabin fever sometimes but I love every minute of it because I'm with my kids.

I hope y'all are good. What have y'all done fun? I'm going to live vicariously trough y'all til May. :-)


This is Ava, Amelia (my niece), Hollyn and Hew

It's Party Time!

We had Ava's birthday party this past Saturday at our local Children's Park. It was such a nice, stress-free way to have a party.  We had pizza and cupcakes and of course we had a blast!  

Ava is in love with Hello Kitty so she wanted a Hello Kitty party.  Easy enough!  

 I happened upon this shirt at T@rget on clearance.  She LOVED it!

We went to dinner that evening to our local hibachi grill and celebrated with some out of town friends.  She was so excited that they sang to her...even though she wasn't sure it was "Happy Birthday".

We had such a great time!  We are blessed with some great family and friends!  Thanks for helping make her day special you guys!

Halloween 2012

I'm still playing catch up. This year for Halloween we went simple. Ava was a "Fairy Ballerina Princess". She put the entire costume together with dress up toys and old dance costumes. I loved how excited she was to wear what she had put together.

Hew and Hollyn were peanut butter and jelly. I had no intentions of dressing them up since its RSV season and we weren't taking them trick or treating. But the more I thought about it the more I thought they needed to be something for their very first Halloween regardless of whether they trick or treated. Some clothes we already had and 2 logos printed off the Internet and viola! Peanut butter and jelly.

Half a Dozen for Ava

I was unable to post this on Ava's actual birthday due to time and internet issues.  

November 1st, 2012

Ava,

Today you turned 6 years old.  I can't believe it's been 6 years since you made me a Mommy.  Time has flown by and I so badly want to put a brick on your head to make you stop growing.  You've grown in to such a lovely little girl and I am so proud of you.  My heart nearly explodes when I think about all the love Daddy and I have for you.  You keep us laughing (and on our toes).  You're smart, beautiful (outside and most importantly inside), funny and sneaky...all of which make us love you that much more. 

You've endured a lot this last year and I am so proud of the graceful way that you've handled each and every situation.  You've showed me time and time again how a Christian attitude should be...and you're 6! I strive to teach you every day and you end up teaching me something.  I thank God for these little lessons.  And I thank God for you!

Here is a little bit about what you are up to now:
* You started Kindergarten this year.  We decided to homeschool because it works best for us.  I absolutely love watching you learn.
* You still love taking Dance.  You dance constantly and love for us to watch your shows.
* You've grown so much since last year that none of your clothes or shoes fit.  :)
* You are still absolutely smitten with your brother and sister.
* You have such a tender and compassionate heart.  I pray that you always stay this way.

I love you so much baby girl! Keep growing and changing.  You're gonna do big things one day!

~Mommy